27. Feb, 2018

Dropping the mountains on our shoulders

Pain is delicious, isn't it? Up to a point anyway. I can't deny that I enjoy wallowing in heartache for a day or two but there comes a time when we have to turn our faces back to the sun, stand up and keep walking. Our journeys don't wait for us and catching up is such an effort.

I think the human condition is such that we aren't aware of exactly how much we allow our pain to shape us and ultimately identify us. Instead of being the sum of who we are we become the experiences that we should only have learned from. As a result we become adults who identify as victims.

I don't like talking about other people's experiences because it never feels like it comes from the heart so I'm going to share my own journey with you.

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I was raped on two separate occasions in my life. It took me many years to be able to look at all these events with a little bit of distance. I am not abused. I am not a rape victim. I am not all the terrible things my mother called me. I carried those mountains on my shoulders for many years and eventually it all caught up with me. If you carry back-breaking weight then eventually it breaks your back.

So after many years of struggle, I learned to take a step back. I learned to share my past with people without caring about their judgement. I've reached a point where thoughts of my younger years no longer fill me with anger. I do sometimes shed a tear for the wasted innocence but I know that I chose my experiences before I was born and now I need to turn them into something positive.

This is the choice we all have. We can allow our misery to define us or we can rise up and create our own definitions of who we are and who we want to be. It's a choice between life and death of our souls and I choose to live.


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