16. Apr, 2018

Uncovering our wounds

We carry so many wounds and they tend to surface at the most unexpected times. This is the beauty of spiritual growth and discovery... as we become more authentic and able to voice our truth, the wounds reveal themselves and we are aware enough to be able to either heal them ourselves or seek help.

So how do we tell the difference between a wound and something that just pisses us off? How do we know it's not just PMS or a bit of depression or a bad day? Our wounds, because they are deep seated, manifest not only in emotional pain when we talk about them but physical discomfort too.

Let me tell you a story... I've raised two wonderful children. My son is 21 and my daughter is 12 (okay, still a bit of raising to do but the heavy lifting is over). I was a single mother at a very young age and my own mother is a classic abusive, alcoholic narcissist. Because of her own disorders, my mother felt it necessary to constantly communicate to me that I was the most awful mother. I knew I was doing everything I could for my little boy and raising him well but the words coming from the person who I should have been able to look to for guidance, encourage and affirmation obviously took root deep in my sub-conscious.

As a result, parenting has been very tough for me. I haven't enjoyed it the way I should have because I spent so many years feeling as though I had to be better than anyone else at motherhood in order to prove my own mother wrong. My son is now all grown up and is a beautiful soul who works hard and cares for other people with all his being. A couple of weeks ago he told me that the only thing that kept him going through all the years of rejection by his father was me. He told me I was the reason he got up every day and put a smile on his face. It broke my heart and made me so grateful at the same time.

So now to the wound... I have affirmation from the people who meet my children that they are wonderful beings. I have heard over and over again from people that I have done an amazing job as a mother. Despite all this, last night during a normal conversation about my role as a mother I broke down in tears and as I tried to express my feelings my throat closed up so painfully that I couldn't speak. I couldn't voice what I felt. The physical pain was intense and it revealed to me exactly how deep this wound runs. It's not an insecurity, it's something that requires work.

I know that this wound is incredibly deep so I won't be healing it alone. I'll turn to someone I trust for help with it. What wounds do you carry and who will you turn to for them to be healed?