10. May, 2018

Grieving

Do you know how damn hard it is to just sit and be with grief? To allow it to wash over you, consume you and transform you? To not try to distract yourself with things that need to be done?

I've talked about the grieving process on here before and how there is no set menu for how we go through it. I need to read that post again and take everything on board. I need some of my own medicine today. 

My mother died in the early hours of yesterday morning, on the 28th anniversary of my dad's death. I lit a candle for both of them yesterday and watched my memories burn into my conscious mind. Today's writing might be a bit raw so please bear with me. 

I worshipped my father. He walked this earth with me for fourteen short years and then left me to cope with life without him. I still miss him 28 years after his death. Like all little girls, and I honour my inner child here, I believe that daddy could fix anything. So when life gets tough I cry and wish he was here to help. Then my rational mind steps in and reminds me that the man would be 81 now and not very capable of stepping in and beating people up on my behalf. 

My mother on the other hand was more complex... let's go with complex. I loved her and spent a lifetime trying to please her and earn her love. She didn't love me though. That was her journey. She wasn't able to give or receive love. I mourn her. I mourn the lost opportunities to have a mother like other people seem to have. And I will honour her journey with a memorial service. But I won't miss her and I won't wish she was here to talk to because she never was. 

So grief happens no matter the relationship. Grief is more than mourning a person's presence. Grief is accepting situations for what they were because you finally have no more opportunities to change them. Grief is a loss of hope for a future with someone. Grief is love with nobody to accept it. 

But here's the thing... now that my mother has returned to Source and is nothing but love, she is able to accept the love that I always gave her. Love is never wasted and nor are the tears we cry. Tears are love for ourselves. Tears are an outpouring of comfort onto our cheeks. Honour those when they come. 

So for now, I'm going to do just that. No more tidying cupboards and refolding clothes. I'm going to sit with the comfort of my coffee, my tears and the people I love holding me up.