21. Jun, 2018

Just honesty

A lot of people say they would take a bullet for you but when it comes to crunch time, they wouldn't even take an insult for you. It's a sad fact of life but it really comes down to one thing... words are loud, actions are louder and we need to actually be conscious of ensuring that the two match. 

I think this is really the big difference between ordinary relationships and relationships between people who are conscious. It's not that people mean to be disloyal or that they don't mean the words when they slip out of their mouths. Hell, I'll go so far as to say their intentions are truly pure. 

As a conscious woman, I don't want a relationship based on pretty words and pure intentions. There's a reason those words are called sweet nothings. I want a relationship based on brutal honesty and no need to adjust expectations because if a word is spoken, it's been thought through and it's unequivocally true. 

This brutal honesty has to start with us though. We can't change the world until we start to change ourselves, can we? I'm sure most of you are nodding your heads sagely and agreeing because you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are always honest. After all, we're raised to be honest, aren't we? Dishonesty is something we abhor... that's why we moan about politicians. 

What if I told you that being honest and saying exactly what we mean are sometimes two different things? We're raised to be honest and we're raised to be nice... and that's where the problem sets in. We're also raised to want to be loved and that makes the problem ten times worse. 

How often does you partner say, "I love you"? How often do you respond in kind? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that every time you say it, it's because it comes from a well of emotion? Or do you say it because it's what you say in a loving relationship? I can't bear the constant "I love you's". I want to hear it when you really feel it. I want to hear it when you can no longer keep the words in. I don't want to hear it because it's the end of a phone call or because you have nothing else to fill the silence. 

How many other things do we say in our relationships that aren't strictly true? How about, "I would do anything for you"? Anything? Really? Or "I would die for you"? Okay then.

The list is long and may seem silly but here's what I want to tell you. Every time you say something along those lines to your partner, you create an expectation. I'm sure nobody would actually expect their partner to die for them but once you've committed to that or the "anything" you really have no way out of doing something small. You see, you take away your ability to say no. You take away your ability to protect your principals or your heart. 

Anything covers everything so when you really can't cope with your mother in law's nastiness at a family function, you have taken away your right to say so. You've committed to anything and you've given away your right to protect yourself. 

I probably seem pedantic but honesty sometimes means not saying what people want you to say. 

Where does any of this get us? It takes us to a point where every word that comes out of your mouth can be trusted. It takes our partners to a point where they know that if you say you'll do something, you absolutely will. Tell me how much pressure that takes off the day to day relationships. Tell me how much that type of trust would mean to you. Now tell me again that we should say things because they are expected. 

We don't need to make our actions fit our words. We need to make sure that our words commit us to actions that we are prepared to take. So think of this the next time you want to whisper a sweet nothing to your partner. Think about it carefully and rather whisper a sweet something. It's about melding words and actions so that our relationships can move from one level to another. It's so that we can move to a higher level together because at those heights you need to know for certain that your partner will catch you if you fall.