4. Sep, 2018

Stormy relationships

The human psyche is a worker of miracles. Let me correct that... The human body including the mind is a worker of miracles. It cares for us and keeps us together constantly.

Isn't it amazing that when you're standing in one of life's storms, you remain upright and strong and resilient? When you come out of that storm and notice the peace, only then do you realise how terrible it was. 

Relationships can be like that and dear gods! Sometimes it's so hard to see how bad it is when you're caught up in it. And yet, when you take a step back you realise that you're running on adrenaline, fear and a desperate need to just put one foot in front of the other. 

If we learned to trust our intuition a little bit more then the storms would probably not reach hurricane status. I'm not lecturing you... I've done it too. Recently. Thankfully I'm out of the storm now and starting the road to healing. 

So why don't we follow our gut when it screams at us that an individual is bad news? I think that as human beings we have this intense desire to be loved, wanted and cared for. When we are still living with unhealed wounding, that desire overcomes our intuition and we accept love in any toxic form just to have the sensation or because we deep down don't believe that we deserve better. 

Looking back, when I entered this particular relationship almost two years ago, that was definitely the case. My intuition was in overdrive telling me not to do it but I ignored it. Sorry, intuition! I'm intensely grateful though that the course of this particular journey exposed unhealed wounds in me that I wasn't aware of. They were excavated in all their rawness and I've been able to start healing over the past six months. 

And as those wounds have started to heal and disinfect, I've been less able to tolerate the drama and ugliness that becomes the norm in a toxic relationship. I've been less willing to be seen as an object unworthy of respect and more able to voice my discomfort until eventually I was able to sit objectively and listen to the hatred coming out of my partner's mouth without pain. At that moment, I knew I was going to be just fine and that it was really all over. 

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face knowing that I have a beautiful life ahead of me. Yes, there is still anger. I'll work through that. Yes, there is regret. I'll process that too. Most importantly though, there is light at the end of a very dark night and that light is beautiful. 

If you're in a similar situation, please understand that there is nothing wrong with you. We all deal with these obstacles in our growth. We all, no matter whether we're healers or not, need to heal in order to move forward. There is hope. There is light. And you are also heading in the direction of that light, whether you realise it or not.